She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
