You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
