I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
