I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Randomize