You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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