never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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