I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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