Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
