i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
