then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
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It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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