She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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