Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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