Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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