Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
