Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
