hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
