"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
