I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
