I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
