I heard we made out
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
