I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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