DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
