I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
