FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
