I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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