I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
smell my finger.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
