If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
