Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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