So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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