She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
