god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
