I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
i out mim tonsoeep
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