If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
