I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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