Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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