pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
