i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize