Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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