i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
