you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
