He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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