i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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