i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You know, be my cock's hype man.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
