If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
