he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
