you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
