I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
