there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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