i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
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How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
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We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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