i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
