My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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