RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
