Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
